April 15, 2010
Don’t Talk to Strangers. We all heard it when we were young, and the majority of us
have probably passed on this ancient bit of parenting wisdom to our own children. But
many experts disagree; in fact, they would argue that it is essential for parents to teach
their children how to approach and interact with people whom they do now know. It is
far more dangerous for your child not to know how to engage a stranger in conversation
than for him to avoid contact with strangers altogether.
Gavin de Becker, a foremost expert on family safety and author of The Gift of Fear and
Protecting the Gift points out that this “Rule” is not only vague but also highly flexible
and therefore very confusing. A parent tells his child not to speak to strangers yet the
child observes this rule being broken on a daily basis by the rule maker. The child
witnesses his parent speaking to the grocery store clerk, the dry cleaning counter
assistant and the man at the ice cream shop, which violates The Rule. The parent may
even encourage the child to violate it by telling him to “Say hello to the nice lady.” The
statistical reality is that your child is more likely to be abused by a friend or relative than
by a stranger, who must get through our parental defense systems before accessing our
children, whereas a friend or relative generally does not.
Clearly the problem your child faces is defining what a stranger is, and this is not a skill
most children have. De Becker states that many children believe a stranger is someone
dirty or one who wears shabby clothing, and “neither the nice neighbor nor the guy at
the check-out counter is one of those,” but those individuals are as likely to be a danger
to your child as the perceived stranger. Dr. Sherryll Kraizer, author of the Safe Child
Program, adds that children generally divide the world into two types of people - the
good guys and the bad guys and that we as parents must “Help [our] children to
understand that there is no way to tell by the way someone looks how they are on the
inside. Talk about stereotypes. They should know that judging someone by their
appearance is a mistake.”
So the irony, says de Becker, is that if your child is ever lost in public, the ability to
speak to strangers is what will protect him from danger, not lead him into it. If you deny
your children this ability and raise them to believe that all strangers are dangerous they
“do not develop their own inherent skills of evaluating behavior,” skills which are
essential to our social development. He urges parents to actively teach their children to
speak to strangers in a safe environment where the parent can observe the interaction
and discuss it with the child afterwards. Here are his tips for initiating this process:
1. Have her approach a stranger to ask for the time.
2. Have her approach a stranger to ask directions (i.e., to the nearest ice cream place).
3. Have her enter a store with you nearby to buy gum or candy.
4. Have her enter a store by herself to buy some gum or candy.
5. Think of your own relevant situations.
After each situation, ask your child:
6. Why she chose who she chose.
7. How the exchange went.
8. If she felt comfortable with the person she spoke with.
9. If that person was comfortable with her approach.
10. What, if anything, she could have done differently
He adds that you should instruct your child to go to a woman if he or she ever does
become lost or separated from you because women are more likely than men to drop
everything to help a child become reunited with their parents. Telling them to find a
security guard or a store manager is vague and again requires your child to make
definitions which they are not equipped to make. Additionally, statistics show that most
child predators and sexual abusers are men.
We taught our children to walk, to talk, to tie their shoes, to feed themselves and many,
many other skills essential for survival once they are weaned from the safety of our
home. Why would we discourage the development of the skill of evaluating the
behavior of others, a skill that is essential for their self-protection and safety? “Stranger”
is not synonymous to danger. This is a fallacy we as parents must dispel as we take an
active role in helping our children identify safe people, utilize intuition, and develop
self-protection skills.
