July 2, 2010
We all want to raise polite, respectful and obedient kids. We believe it is a reflection upon us if our children don’t treat people, adults in particular, with respect, and we feel personal satisfaction when we observe our children using these social skills. But we don’t want our children to be polite at the expense of their own safety. By teaching your children to be assertive, they can get themselves out of troubling situations without sacrificing manners.
Being polite doesn’t mean your child must endure unwanted touches or hugs from a friend or family member or to ignore their instincts when they encounter a person who makes them uncomfortable. As child safety expert Patti Fitzgerald says, “Of course every parent wants to make sure they aren’t raising rude, obnoxious kids. But it can be a dangerous message we give our children when we insist that they deny their instinct, and force them polite so that we, the parent, can save face.” In fact, child safety expert Dr. Carla van Dam, a clinical and forensic psychologist who authored The Socially Skilled Child Molester: Differentiating the Guilty from the Falsely Accused, says that you may inadvertently elicit the attentions of a child predator by being too focused on politeness. She states, “Child molesters gravitate to those people who are most likely to be too polite to fend them off...They seek out adults who worry about hurting people’s feelings.”
So how do we teach our kids to be assertive but not rude or aggressive? Teaching assertiveness involves showing a child how to talk about what she wants - or doesn’t want - respectfully and confidently. They should understand the difference between aggressiveness (forceful or combative behavior), submissiveness (being meek) and assertiveness (standing up for oneself). You can help them to understand this by role playing common situations and teaching them, whether it is fending off an unwanted physical contact with a relative or getting out of a potentially dangerous situation, how to say no. Saying no can come in many forms: making a joke, ignoring the suggestion, making an excuse (“My mom won’t allow me to do that”), leaving the situation, or just saying no firmly and repeating it if necessary.
Teach your child to use “I” statement, which are assertive, instead of “You” statements, which are aggressive. For example, he should say “I don’t like it when you....” or “I feel uncomfortable when you...” to express how they feel. They should make eye contact and speak clearly. Make sure they understand they do not have to suffer through an experience for the sake of politeness or to retain someone’s affection or friendship.
One of the best ways to teach your child assertiveness is to model the behavior. You will not have credibility with your child if you do not exhibit assertiveness yourself. Find opportunities in your day to show your child assertiveness, whether it is showing dissatisfaction for services rendered at a store or disapproval of remarks made by others, so he can learn first hand from you how to behave.
In addition to teaching our children to be polite and respectful, we should also teach them the necessary social skills to be assertive and self-confident. This will help protect them against the attentions of a child predator as well as aid them in interactions with their peers. If you model the behavior, your child is even more likely to gain the skills necessary to keep themselves safe.
Sources:
2009 NADE Pacific Regional Training Conference
Patti Fitzgerald, Safely Ever After, Inc.
http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Teaching/
By Leah Davies, M.Ed.http://www.kellybear.com/TeacherArticles/TeacherTip74.html
http://at-risk-youth-support.suite101.com/article.cfm/top_ten_refusal_skills_for_teens
