January 18, 2010
By Pattie Fitzgerald, Founder Safely Ever After, Inc.
How many times have you told your child to always obey the grownups?
Have you insisted that they hug or kiss “Uncle Johnny” or that family friend or relative who visits every holiday, even though your child obviously feels uncomfortable doing so?
Of course every parent wants to make sure they aren’t raising rude, obnoxious kids. But it can be a dangerous message we give our children when we insist that they deny their instincts, and force them to be polite so that we, the parent, can save face.
It can be especially risky to insist that they express physical affection when they are clearly uncomfortable doing so.
Why?
Because one of the most important things we can teach our kids when it comes to their personal safety is to LISTEN to that inner barometer, their INSTINCT…a.k.a. “the uh-oh feeling”
It’s not about being suspicious of every relative who wants to hug our kids.
It is about letting your child decide HOW they want to express affection and to whom, rather than forcing them to please others.
Why?
Because they may be getting an “uh-oh feeling” that you’re unaware of. Maybe earlier in the evening Uncle Johnny said or did something that felt “yucky” to your child which you’re oblivious to. Later on, when it’s time to go home, you insist that your daughter kiss Uncle Johnny goodbye, demanding it when she flat out refuses.
The message your child gets:
1) Don’t trust your own instincts.
2) You have to obey the grownups no matter what.
3) Mom/Dad will not believe you if you tell them about an uncomfortable feeling or touch because you haven’t got the right to speak up for yourself.
The message Uncle Johnny gets:
Jackpot! Here’s a target — a child who’s been taught to be polite no matter what the circumstances. Here’s a child who probably won’t know how to resist an inappropriate touch or have the ability to tell anyone about it! At the next gathering, he decides he may be able to go a little further with his behavior because you’ve basically laid the ground work out for him already.
And so… the grooming process begins.
Clearly, there will be times when your child just doesn’t want to hug or kiss someone. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because the person’s a child molester. Maybe Uncle Johnny smells funny, maybe he hugs too tightly and it hurts. Or maybe it’s something more serious.
Whatever the reason… your child should have the right to say NO.
Instead, what usually happens is that we’re “on the spot”, we don’t know what to do, so we force our kid to give a kiss and get it over with so we can go home already!
Blech! Imagine being that child, hoping Mom or Dad is going to help them out of this sticky situation only to find that you won’t. Even worse… from now on here’s a child who will question herself, not trusting her own instincts because she’s been instructed not to.
If we really want to give our children a gift this holiday season… Let them decide how they want to express affection and to whom. Don’t force them to, because it makes you feel better. And back them up when they need it. That’s the gift of a lifetime. For more information, please visit www.safelyeverafter.com.
About the author
Pattie Fitzgerald is recognized as a leading expert in the field of childhood sexual abuse prevention. She is certified as a Level One Agent and Child Safety Educator through the National Security Alliance/Kid-Safe Network, and previously worked as the original Community Outreach Educator for the national child advocacy agency, Parents For Megan’s Law.
In 2007 she became a guest instructor for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s M.E.R.I.T. program and her workshops and curriculum are used at schools throughout the United States. Her published works have appeared in newspapers, national magazines, and trade journals throughout the country, and she has been featured on Good Morning America, CNN Headlines News, MSNBC, and local Los Angeles television and radio news programs. She is a member of the American Professional Society On The Abuse of Children and the International Society of Crime Prevention Practitioners.
